


Emptiness Is Filling Me To The Point Of Agnoy

by zams



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-10
Updated: 2011-08-10
Packaged: 2017-10-22 11:13:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/237441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zams/pseuds/zams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>After Jared’s funeral, Jensen grieves, and an unexpected person comforts him.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Emptiness Is Filling Me To The Point Of Agnoy

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on LJ in February 2009. Thanks to 9thof9 on LJ for the great beta job. Title from "Fade To Black" by Metallica.

Jensen wakes to darkness. For one blissful, beautiful moment, his mind is blank and he’s at peace. It can’t last, though, and reality crashes back down on him harshly, stealing the breath from his lungs.

 _Jared…_

He’s so tired. So, so tired. Jensen can’t remember the last time he ate, finding the prospect of food distasteful. He vaguely wonders if that’s the cause of his fatigue. But he has more important things than eating to think about; like how Jared’s gone and never coming back.

Jensen closes his eyes tightly as a multitude of emotions wash over him, each crippling in their intensity. They cut his heart to pieces, leaving a physical ache in his chest. An anguished sob escapes, and he turns his head to the side, tears streaming down his cheeks in shiny, wet trails. Jensen doesn’t bother wiping them away. To wipe them away would be to belittle Jared and his memory. Jared deserves his tears and grief and pain.

Jensen knows that the anger will come soon and replace the sadness. He’s not ready for that. Not ready to yell and curse, to blame Jared for leaving him alone. All he wants to do is hide away in their bedroom, lie in their bed, breathe in Jared’s scent from his pillow before it fades away.

Everywhere he looks, there is evidence of Jared, his phantom presence surrounding Jensen, taunting him with what was, but never will be again. Jared’s dirty tee shirts are strewn around the room, the novel he was reading still lying bookmarked on the bedside table, his favorite pair of sneakers sitting by the closet. Another shuddering sob wracks Jensen's body as the realization strikes yet again: Jared’s _gone_. Dead.

The neat black suit he wore to the funeral is lying on the end of the bed where he threw it after he came home and stripped. Jensen pulled on Jared’s favorite hoodie, needing to feel close to Jared in some way after Jared was lowered into the ground, lost to Jensen’s touch forever.

He doesn’t want to see anyone, hear their condolences, see their pitying faces. All he wants is to be left alone with his grief. Those people didn’t know Jared like he did, didn’t love him as he still does. They don’t understand. Couldn’t possibly understand the loss Jensen’s suffered and unimaginable pain he’s feeling.

 _Jared…_

Jensen draws his legs up and curls them against his chest. Grabbing Jared’s pillow, he wraps his arms around it, holding it tighter than he'd ever held Jared and that thought leaves him even more desolate than earlier. He buries his face in the softness, breath hitching as he finally lets himself go. The tears pour out of his eyes even faster and heavier than before, letting all the pain he’s been trying and failing to suppress since Jared’s death fall down upon him.

It’s hard to breathe, hard to _want_ to breathe. The pain is too much; too raw, too desperate, too deep. Jensen feels hollow, dead inside. He can’t imagine ever smiling or laughing again. Jared was his sole reason for living, for waking up each morning. How can he come home to this house everyday, the house they made their home, knowing Jared isn’t there waiting for him? Now that Jared’s gone, there’s nothing. He hugs the pillow closer, more desperately, it his only anchor to sanity.

And oh god, it hurts, _hurts_ , to think about Jared in the past tense, knowing he’ll never hear Jared’s warm, loud, infectious laughter and never see his dimpled smile again. He’ll never gaze into Jared’s compassionate, loving hazel eyes, or brush his shaggy hair from his forehead.

How can he ever hope to go on without Jared? He’d been such a big part of his life, his entire life, for so long, Jensen can’t remember the time before Jared. More than anything, he wants this all to be a dream; a cruel, twisted nightmare that he’ll wake up from and find himself in Jared’s warm, strong arms; safe and loved. He _needs_ Jared. Without him, Jensen feels as if he is dying, his heart slowly crumbling in his chest. At this point, he would welcome that darkness. At least that way he would be with Jared again.

 _Jared…_

Jensen doesn’t even twitch when he feels the bed dip next to him, a weight settling down. Someone scoots close to him and pulls him back into a hard chest, an arm snaking around his waist. Jensen chokes out a sob. Maybe if he concentrates, he can pretend it’s Jared pressed up against him and escape the pain for a little while.

Warm, dry lips brush his temple and drop a tiny kiss to his forehead. He knows it’s Chad. It has to be Chad. He wouldn’t let Jensen drive himself back home from the cemetery, saying it wasn’t a good idea for Jensen to hold up in the house alone. Jensen can’t bring himself to care. He and Chad have never been the best of friends, but Chad was important to Jared, his best friend. No matter what else, Chad was a true and loyal friend to Jared and for that alone he’s earned Jensen’s respect. And if anyone can come close to understanding what Jensen’s feeling right now, it’s Chad.

Jensen lets himself relax into Chad’s embrace, accepting the gesture for what it is. Chad’s arm tightens around his waist; a silent, solid comfort. Exactly what he needs right now, not empty words and pitying glances, just the chance to grieve in his own way without the pressures of dealing with everyone else’s needs.

Jensen’s tears slow as his exhaustion creeps up on him. He slowly descends into the darkness of sleep, letting Chad hold him, letting Chad be the strong one for a little while. He can’t be anymore. It’s too much to hold in. He needs to let some of the hurt and anguish out before it destroys him beyond hope of repair.

Tomorrow when Jensen wakes, the pain will return, the hole in his chest left by Jared’s death deeper and blacker than it is today. It will be a struggle to get through another day without Jared, the hurt of his loss a sharp pain that crushingly presses down on what little is left of his broken heart. It will be another day of wondering if he’ll ever again feel anything other than despair and hopelessness. But he will get through it; he has to, for Jared’s sake if nothing else. Wonderful, loving Jared wouldn’t want him to succumb to his grief and give up living; wouldn’t want Jensen to mourn for the rest of his life, slowly becoming a hollow shell of the man he is, the man Jared loved. He would want Jensen to stay strong, for both of them, live his life to the fullest extent possible; even love again until they can be reunited when Jensen’s time is ended.

That’s too much to ask of Jensen at the moment. Maybe when the pain has receded to a dull ache he will be able to think about Jared without breaking down, and honor what he knows Jared’s final wishes for him would have been. For now, Jensen can only sleep, unconcerned about what the future will bring and mean to him. Right now, he needs to grieve for a life and love lost.

 _Jared… I love you…_

 

 **END.**


End file.
